From your pizza delivery girl
So after about 2 years of being a pizza delivery girl, I�m fed up!
1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although I�m not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that haven�t stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point�
2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, don�t get offended if I don�t. Don�t get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but I�ve seen enough clich� axe murderer movies to know better.
3. Chances are, though, if you�re the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They don�t tip.
4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said �I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard� � Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought you�d know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip � thanks!! My cuteness won�t pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I don�t carry pennies and thus couldn�t give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was �lipped off� ( think she meant ripped off) � Fuck you!
5. If you tell me you can�t afford to tip when I get there, you can�t afford delivery.
6. If you can�t afford delivery charges, you can�t afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (we�re in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he can�t afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and you�re probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies don�t come and fill my tank every night, so don�t tell me it�s my loss when I refuse to deliver to you.
7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: I�m not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I don�t know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly you�ve been watching way too many pornos.
8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I don�t need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I can�t give you my number. What? No, really, I�m not into that.
9. Don�t get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with don�t have a clue as to what a quadrant is� �I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni� Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways?
10. Don�t get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guy�s front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And don�t act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And don�t leave me no tip me because I�m �a liar�. If I wanted to swing by a friend�s house on my way to your place, I�d say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear!
11. Speaking of traffic� The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if I�m late because a hummer that has �environmental consultants� written on it (ah, how I love clich��s) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time.
Okay, I�m off to work now. Be nice to me!!!
1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although I�m not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that haven�t stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point�
2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, don�t get offended if I don�t. Don�t get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but I�ve seen enough clich� axe murderer movies to know better.
3. Chances are, though, if you�re the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They don�t tip.
4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said �I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard� � Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought you�d know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip � thanks!! My cuteness won�t pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I don�t carry pennies and thus couldn�t give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was �lipped off� ( think she meant ripped off) � Fuck you!
5. If you tell me you can�t afford to tip when I get there, you can�t afford delivery.
6. If you can�t afford delivery charges, you can�t afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (we�re in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he can�t afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and you�re probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies don�t come and fill my tank every night, so don�t tell me it�s my loss when I refuse to deliver to you.
7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: I�m not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I don�t know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly you�ve been watching way too many pornos.
8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I don�t need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I can�t give you my number. What? No, really, I�m not into that.
9. Don�t get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with don�t have a clue as to what a quadrant is� �I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni� Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways?
10. Don�t get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guy�s front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And don�t act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And don�t leave me no tip me because I�m �a liar�. If I wanted to swing by a friend�s house on my way to your place, I�d say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear!
11. Speaking of traffic� The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if I�m late because a hummer that has �environmental consultants� written on it (ah, how I love clich��s) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time.
Okay, I�m off to work now. Be nice to me!!!
posted by Taxi Mark | 3:00 AM
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