Tucson driving from Downtown to 4th Ave

Tucson Hiking guide

Taxi Panic Attack

Tucson insiders guide

DC's Taxi Driving Guide

So you've decided to take a trip to your nation's capital. Well here's a few things you should know that will hopefully help you prepare for your trip.

The DC road grid was laid out by a Frenchman, which explains why locals hate the French, and also explains much about US Foriegn Policy. Within DC proper, the roads are laid out in a grid, with other streets crossing the grid at weird angles, usually through a traffic circle. No one in DC knows how to drive in a traffic circle, and people from the surburbs are worse. Many streets are one way, and making a left turn can require travelling three or four blocks out of your way. Right turns are worse. Right turn on red is allowed, except at intersections that are posted otherwise.
Most intersections are posted otherwise.

Also, within DC we take security seriously! Primarily by shutting down major roads and intersections for no discernable reason.

If your road map of Montgomery County MD is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one, it's obsolete. If in Loudon or Fairfax County in Va, and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in DC, it's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway", which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner loop" and "outer loop" designation. The inner loop goes clockwise, the outer counterclockwise. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Metro Area.

The Metro Area stretches north to south from Southern Pennsylvania to Frederick Virginia, and east to west from the Chesapeake Bay to the Shenandoah River. Also to parts of West Virginia and maybe the Delmarva (DElaware, MAryland, VirginiA peninsula.)

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" as it runs only from Bethesda to Frederick (unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.

This is true of the Beltway also. Especially the local intersection known as "the Mixing Bowl" where 4 interstates (95, 295, 395, and 495) come together. It has been under constructon for several years, and will be for several more. Also beware the Wilson Bridge. A new bridge is being built, at a cost of about $8,000,000,000, in the hopes that it can be finished before the old one collapses under the load. The old one, and the new one, are drawbridges. When the bridge is up, traffic stops.

Any mild disturbance in the flow of traffic backs up the Beltway for miles in either direction. Something catastrophic, such as a semi-truck jacknifing on the Legion Bridge, can shut down traffic for 10 miles in each direction, and on all the side roads, in 15 minutes. You may have to detour through Leesburg, Point of Rocks, and Frederick, to get where you are going. Or you can go via Norfolk and the Bay Bridge/Tunnel. Not to be confused with the Bay Bridge.

To avoid these disturbances people listen to WTOP, 1500 AM and 107.7 FM, for the traffic report which runs every 10 minutes. 24 hours/day. Even if they can't avoid the disturbance, they listen to find out what the disturbance is, and in the hope that the person who caused it died screaming in agony.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 75. Anything less is a hazard to navigation.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. The lunch rush is from 11 AM to 1 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County.
Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington, they'll blow a blood vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.

If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the local supermarket for toilet paper, bread and milk. IF it might snow, schools will be closed. If it is already snowing then the bus will pick up the children and they will immediately CLOSE the schools after 8 inches of snow has fallen. All parents must leave work upon arrival to pick up their children.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're near Takoma Park."

If someone actually has their turn signal on they are, by definition, a tourist.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way near or in Leisure World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows or cares.

If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. In Annandale and Seven Corners a Cambodian, Korean or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capitol Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well, just don't.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75 (it's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand).

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more frightening than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 75 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER. It's not speeding, it's NASCAR time, let's DRAFT!!!

The open lane for passing on all interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting local would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.

The far left lanes on all interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multitasking in (it's not a mini-van, it's a bullet on wheels with a TV).

If it's 30 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 100 degrees, it's the 'Skins opening day. If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May,June,July,August and sometimes September.

NEVER ask a native Washingtonian for directions. We don't know street names and will tell you to turn left where Woodies (Woodward and Lothrop) used to be. If the landmark in question was standing last week, it may not be there now.

NEVER,EVER leave town the Thursday or Friday of a three-day weekend. Leave on Wednesday and take Tuesday off to come back; otherwise, you'll arrive at the same time when you left a day early to beat the traffic.

Avoid I-66 at any time. Just listen to the traffic report ONCE and it is the same every day. The sun is in your face in the morning, and for your return trip, it's once again blinding you in the afternoon.

Avoid Rt. 7, (Leesburg Pike or any other name it changes to) at all times as well. Same story as above except you have no breaks because on this road, there are people who commute from West Virginia.

Of course you could take the subway, known locally as The Metro. Remember that either the Orange or Red line will be shut down or single tracked due to an accident. Unless both are shut down or single tracked. This is most likely to happen during rush hour. The escalators rarely work, the elevators even more rarely. However, the trains are very clean, kept that way by highly motivated police who will not hesitate to arrest a 12 year old for eating a french fry.

Have fun in D.C.!

Big Yellow Taxi

Tucson travel guide

Tucson (pronounced TOO-sawn) is the second-largest city in the state of Arizona, one of the United States of America.

At an elevation of 2,400 feet, it has slightly cooler temperatures than its desert cousin, Phoenix. It is situated in the biologically diverse Sonoran Desert. With a population of 486,699 (2000 Census) in Tucson and 843,746 in the metro area, Tucson was the 32nd fastest growing of 280 metropolitan areas from 1990-2000.

Wiki Tucson travel

Driving Gates Pass, Tucson Arizona

Livin' On Tucson Time!

I'm still down in Tucson with my friend Johnny Wraith, but I thought I give you all an update, as well as a reader submission from a Dublin cabbie named Roy.

Well, Johnny and I haven't been doing much beyond drinking, eating, playing chess, and some gambling.

It turns out that Johnny is a great cook. When I first met him, all he could do was run a microwave oven, and make espresso. Prior to my arrival Friday, he put half a turkey breast, some cream of mushroom soup, peppers and other vegetables in a crockpot. It was a very delicious meal, accompanied by flaky bisquits, and some Franzia wine. Okay, sure, Franzia is a boxed wine, but what the hell, drink enough of it, and you won't care at all. I know I didn't.

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Taxi Cab Confessions (Las Vegas)

Taxi Customers

still can't sop thinking about this...

I left the bar on tuesday night with a nice buzz on. A bunch of stragglers from the show were hanging around deciding where to go afterwards. Exausted, I stepped towards the cab I had called to take me home. The cabbie popped the trunk for me to put my banjo in without me asking. That's always a good sign.
I slipped into the back of the green car and announced my destination. Without a word and only a nod to show he'd heard me, we were off. I sank into the leather seat and let the entire day wash out of me.

*click*

The sound of a tape being inserted into a car-stereo. I was too tired to wonder what this dark-skinned indian man wanted to share with me. I'd taught 3 hours of lessons and played about 4 hours of music on top of that. I had reached my saturation level. Still, it was easier for me to listen than it was to think.

This recording had been transferred to casette from a record. The crackling was so apparant that I could almost see the warped record wobbling on an old mono-turntable. A sitar floated out of the speakers behind my head. I closed my eyes and continued my thoughtless state.

He started singing. My god did he start singing. The voice on the tape paled in comparison to the one sitting right in front of me. It was as if the recording was making a poor attempt at singing along with the driver. The inflection in his voice was so effortless...and beautifully executed. The winding sounds of Indian music had never really touched me before and this man was blanketing me with it. As if I'd never heard anything like it before. It had been a long day that had run into a long night. Still, my exaustion couldn't completely account for the tears I was swallowing. Needless to say, I wasn't sad.

Mark Taxi 1

Things my father taught me

3 years gone. Miss you Dad.

Return borrowed things in better shape than when you borrowed them.
There are two types of trouble...one is the trouble you knowingly walk into, the other is trouble that just happens...it's important to know the difference.
Walk softly but carry a big stick.
if you have to use said stick, make sure who you use it on, doesn't get up.
Foul language is a sign of a limited vocabulary
Orion, the Big and Little Dippers.
Everyone is a friend until proven otherwise.
Don't watch the clock when you're at work.
Never go to bed angry.
That which does not kill you will hurt like the dickens, but it will make you stronger.
Family is the most important thing on earth.
The phrases "I don't know", "I forgot", or "I tried (and failed)" are excuses.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason, know the difference.
Take care of your apperance...even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans.
The world can change everything about you, except your point of view...unless you allow it to.

Taxi Cab Confessions

Cab Talk

How to Distinguish Freeways from Bathrooms

Dear Psycho-Teal-Daewoo Lanes-Hatchback-Driving-Blonde Chick,

I wanted to give you a few pointers to help you distinguish the freeway from your bathroom (where normal people get ready in the mornings). In most cases, bathrooms don't have asphalt with painted lines on the floors. Bathrooms also don't have concrete dividers (which you almost had an intimate encounter with this morning). In most bathrooms, people usually aren't going 50 mph while putting makeup on and doing their hair.
Did you know that bathrooms usually have larger mirrors than that pesky tiny mirror hanging in your car? You also won't get distracted by all those cars when looking at yourself in the mirror when you're in a bathroom. Bathrooms don't have potholes either! From one female to another, your makeup will go on much more smoothly here because of that.

I just wanted to point these things out to you since you seemed to have trouble figuring it out. I'm glad that you were able to look good and save time-even if you did almost cause an enormous pile-up on eastbound 92 this morning. You rock.

Sincerely,
The Always Helpful and (thankfully) Great Averter of Disaster.

Comedian Taxi Story

Comedian Mark Trenwith's Taxi Story

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public

We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't have to go if I don't want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stella" with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

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New York cabbies struggle as fuel costs hack pay

Nationwide, gasoline around $4 per gallon will cost taxi drivers 38 percent more per year -- $3,825 -- than it did in two years ago, according to the Taxi Limousine & Paratransit Association.

Part of the problem is that most cabbies drive Ford Crown Victorias, which only get about 10 or 11 miles per gallon (23.5 or 21.3 litres/100km) in the snarl of Manhattan's stop-and-go traffic, according to driver Roman Hladik.

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Taxi Driver reading

Cactus Moon is strict!

Poor 19 year old hottie got her fake ID taken away and shut out of the Moon. She was complaining about how she has been getting into bars since she was 16, and that the ID had worked in Miami and L.A. TUCSON SUCKS!
BTW She really didn't look underage to me! :)

Vision Quest Quotes

Louden Swain: You never took a night off to see me wrestle before. They'll dock you for that.
Elmo: Hey, kid - money ain't everything.
Louden Swain: It's not that big a deal, Elmo. I mean, it's six lousy minutes on the mat, if that.
Elmo: You ever hear of Pele?
Louden Swain: Yeah, he's a, a soccer player.
Elmo: A very famous soccer player.
[pause]
Elmo: I was in the room here one day... watchin' the Mexican channel on TV. I don't know nothin' about Pele. I'm watchin' what this guy can do with a ball and his feet. Next thing I know, he jumps in the air and flips into a somersault and kicks the ball in - upside down and backwards... the goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium waving it around his head. Everybody's screaming in Spanish. I'm here, sitting alone in my room, and I start crying.
[pause]
Elmo: That's right, I start crying. Because another human being, a species that I happen to belong to, could kick a ball, and lift himself, and the rest of us sad-assed human beings, up to a better place to be, if only for a minute... let me tell ya, kid - it was pretty goddamned glorious. It ain't the six minutes... it's what happens in that six minutes.

---------------
Louden Swain: But all I ever settled for is that we're born to live and then to die, and... we got to do it alone, each in his own way. And I guess that's why we got to love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. 'Cause when you get right down to it - there isn't.

Taxi Driver Movie

Rober DeNero "You talking to me?"

lee greenwood-god bless the U.S.A

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I almost crossed the street

Before you hit me with your car. i figure i don't have much else to do here in my hospital bed so i'll write you a little note and let you know what i was doing out there alone in the middle of the intersection. basically, i was trying to get to the other side of the street. then i saw you: starry-eyed, entranced with whoever you were talking to on your cell phone. i wished it was me on the other end of that line instead of under your car. i wish we could've met some other way or even at all for that matter. i don't blame you for just driving away; not noticing the unconcious speed bump that loves you. you're not ready for this and i'm not sure i am either. i do know this . . . if you're interested maybe we could meet up next month when i'm released and i could help clean up some of the blood i think i might have accidentally spurted onto your vehicle. maybe we could get dinner or something. i'll drive.

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