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Bravo Hires 'Taxicab' for Voyeuristic Marathon

On New Year's Eve, the backseat of a taxi is the only place you need to be for a healthy dose of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Bravo will premiere three episodes of HBO's "Taxicab Confessions" on Friday, Dec. 29, followed by a New Year's Eve marathon of the Emmy-winning docudrama.

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Taxi Stories

Either I could tell you about the Iraqi cab driver who asked me to help him define words he'd heard that day on NPR and then told me he wanted to go back to Bosnia so he could be helpful to people like he had been just after their war.

Or, I could tell you about the time a friend got a little sick in a cab, I got into a yelling match with the irate and belligerent driver who refused my money to pay for a cleaning and insisted on pressing police charges against my friends and I. We ran off evading him, cleaned up my sick friend and were walking back to get another cab when police pulled us over to see if we were the elusive cab patrons. I lied and said we'd just left our friend's house. He asked where she lived, I told him. He said he might want to talk to her. I said she had left to spend the night at her cheap-ass boyfriend's house who took her to mass on Sunday mornings just so they could eat the free bagels. The two cops laughed, muttered the name of a church, and then said, "Have a great night, ladies." and took off.


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Drunk girls in a taxi cab.

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STOP LIGHT ETIQUETTE

I am a taxi driver and conduct myself in a professional manner at all times but I certainly understand road rage.

I expect the worst from Colorado drivers and I am rarely disappointed.

I have been reading about road rage on Craig’s List and I do have a few pointed observations.

If people are honking, flashing their lights and shaking their fists at you perhaps you should reevaluate some of your driving habits.

Here are a few pointers.

When sitting at a red light please don’t redo your makeup, read a newspaper, change your clothes, masturbate, give head to your passenger, allow your passenger to give YOU head or begin distracting activities that may cause you to be otherwise occupied when the light turns green.

When the light actually turns green there shouldn’t be a deliberative process necessary before you STEP ON THE GAS.

The roads are overcrowded as it is and all it takes is a couple of retards sitting and staring at a green light for 15 or 20 seconds to start a chain reaction behind them that leads to what we call VOLUME SLOWING.

If you are in the left lane and you want to drive at a leisurely pace, I understand. GET IN THE RIGHT LANE. This is the lane for slower traffic.

If you are driving in the left lane and you are dead even with the guy in the right lane, YOU ARE FUCKING UP.

There are people behind you with appointments to keep, jobs to go to or who may have an urgent need to use the bathroom. Please move to the right and let them get about their business.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had to sit and listen to my fare grind his or her teeth because there are three flaming A-holes side by side leisurely driving down the road 15 or 20 miles below the speed limit.

MERGE RIGHT ASS HAT! My meter is running and you are COSTING MY PASSENGER MONEY.

Some of the people passing you may exceed the speed limit in doing so.

This is perfectly legal but even if it wasn’t please remember, YOU ARE NOT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. We have paid professionals who are perfectly capable of enforcing the law and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.

By intentionally slowing traffic you ARE BREAKING THE LAW and may be ticketed for this violation.

If you are in the right lane and someone in the left lane is signaling to get over LET UP ON THE GAS. I don’t know how many times I have put on my signal for thirty or forty seconds and tried to merge right only to experience a blaring horn and upraised finger from some retard who has been pacing me in my blind spot for the last mile or two.

Just for the record, this is why so many people fail to signal turns and “cut you off”. They know that as soon as you see the turn signal you will probably sit your passive aggressive ass directly in the way and stay there for as long as possible.

About being “cut off”. The only people who are “cut off” are those who REFUSE TO YIELD. You do not own the road and must share it with about a million other drivers. Get good with this fact or move out to Busted Dick Colorado where your driving won’t raise eyebrows and tempers.

There are other distractions that interfere with the flow of traffic that you should learn to deal with in a mature and proactive fashion like accidents.

Accidents happen but unless you are a medical professional who is slowing down in order to stop and render aid KEEP MOVING.

I’m not advocating blasting through police diversions at 60 miles an hour but there is no need to slow down to a crawl when passing an accident,

RUBBERNECK’S CAUSE ADDITIONAL ACCIDENTS so if you and your voyeur family don’t want to become a part of the roadside tragedy you are gaping at, GET A MOVE ON.

The same goes for other roadside diversions including break downs, pretty girls getting ticketed, accidents on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, emergency vehicles going in the opposite direction on a divided road and related events,

If you are driving in the mountains and you see that there are 20 or 30 people piled up behind you, PULL OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND LET THEM PASS.

Sooner or later it’s going to snow. For those of you with no winter driving experience snow is the white stuff that falls from the sky. IT IS FROZEN WATER and is often quite slippery. THIS IS THE TIME TO SLOW DOWN.

GET IN THE RIGHT LANE and let the people who want to drive fast do so,

For those of you who own vehicles with 4-wheel drive, great! 4-wheel drive will give you great traction in the snow BUT IT WILL NOT HELP YOU STOPPING!

I don’t know how many times I have been passed in a blizzard by shiny 4-wheel drive vehicles going 30 or 40 miles an hour over the safe limit for driving only to see them piled into a bridge abutment a mile or so up the road.

Clearly if you’ve just polished off a 12 pack you should be riding with me.

We all have cell phones nowadays. If you have one, get a headset, you need both hands to drive.

If you’re having an argument with your sweetie, PULL OVER and finish it in a parking lot instead of the middle of an intersection.

In conclusion. I don’t care what kind of self-absorbed butt nugget you are in the rest of your life please remember that you are piloting a couple of tons of metal glass and plastic around the road.

Try to rise above your vile self just long enough to get from A to B without pissing every other driver on earth off and we’ll all be a lot happier and some of us may live a little longer.

Thank you in advance for your fine cooperation.

Tucson Monsoon Street Flooded

The street in front of my house flooded. Tucson

You talkin' to ME?!? - A cabbie's RANT

It’s inevitable. At some point in your life, you’re going to take a taxi somewhere. Maybe only once, to the airport, say, because the friend who was supposed to take you flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps you’ll take taxis frequently because the bus doesn’t run when or where you’d like. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to be caught driving under the influence, they’re no doubt a very important part of your life.

If you’re from a city like New York, you’re probably familiar with the ins and outs of “cabbing it.” However, after driving a cab for one of P-town’s largest cab companies for the last couple of years, I’ve found that Portland residents are not always savvy when it comes to the dos and don’ts of catching a cab. So, as a service to you, my beloved customers, I would like to share with you a little insight that will hopefully make each of our experiences a bit more enjoyable.

First, let’s discuss me, the driver. I’m a businessman (or woman). I’m out here trying to make a living. I’m not running a charity. Please don’t ask for freebies and cut rates. I’m not out here for you. I’m out here for me. Maybe I own my cab, maybe I don’t. It doesn’t matter. Either way, I’m my own boss, more or less. Oh sure, the company I work for would like me to follow certain rules, be nice to the customers, obey the traffic laws, etc. The point is they don’t pay me. I make my money by giving people rides. I pay for the car, the gas, maintenance, and such. I keep all the fares. That’s how it works. The meter is simply a tool to accurately measure the price of my service, per the posted rates. They are always the same and rarely ever change. Whining about the fare isn’t going to make the ride any cheaper. There’s no way for me to make the meter run faster or slower, although there are tricks that some dishonest cabbies will use to run up your fare. Beware of taxi drivers who deliberately try to catch red lights, who sit too long after the light turns green, or who find other ways to delay your trip, including taking the longest or most congested route.

Now let’s discuss you, the passenger. First of all, you need a taxi. So you pick up the phone and call your favorite cab company. This is a good time to turn on your porchlight (if it’s dark outside) and be ready to go. Yes, maybe you’ll have a 15-20 minute wait, but don’t be surprised if we show up in 5. If you’re not ready when we show up, we’re apt to start the meter and charge you for the wait time. Sometimes, however, it may take a lot longer than 15-20 minutes. Please be patient, especially if it’s rush hour. Remember, most of this city’s cabs start their shifts downtown between 4 and 6 am/pm. If you’re in Clackamas, Hillsboro, Vancouver or Tualatin, it’s fair to say that you’re going to have a little bit of a wait. Be patient. We will get to you as soon as we can. In the meantime, if you should happen to find alternative transportation, please call back and let us know. It isn’t the driver’s fault it took so long; please don’t take it out on me. It’s money right out of my pocket every time I chase after a “no-show.” Besides, part of the reason it often takes so long is that we’re chasing after other people who called us and then split.

Oh, and one other thing. DO NOT CALL MORE THAN ONE CAB COMPANY! There is an unwritten agreement with Portland taxi drivers that if more than one of us shows up, we all leave. Not only will you not get a cab, you’ll be blacklisted and will never get another cab again! And don’t think that just because you escaped in the first cab, the second guy’s out of luck. Bathroom breaks are few and some of us have been known to relieve ourselves on your front door. I’m not saying this will happen, only that it could. You have been warned!

If you’re downtown barhopping on the weekend with your friends, calling a cab might not be your best option. In this situation, it might be easier to go outside and hail the first empty cab you see. Do not call a cab and then hail one down. Do one or the other. If you decide to hail a cab, again, be patient. If I don’t stop for you, there’s a good reason. Usually, I already have a passenger and you couldn’t see them in the car (this happens all the time). I might be going after someone who called me on my cell phone. Don’t take it personal. Just keep waving. Be obvious. Eye contact and timidly raising a finger will not get you a cab. Flail your arms or, better yet, use a flashlight. Someone will stop for you soon. If you call a cab from your cell phone while you’re still in the bar, do yourself a favor and LET THE BARTENDER/DOORMAN KNOW! I am not going to wander around the club looking for you and neither are they. Unless you’re waiting outside, you’re probably going to lose your cab!

Once you’ve gotten a cab, let us know where you’re going. This would seem like an obvious thing but you’d be surprised how many times it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to tell you where they wish to go. “Over there” is not a destination! If you have a preferred route, by all means, let me know. Do not, however, start giving me directions by saying, “First, back out of the parking space…” unless you want to find out just how surly I can get. Don’t treat me like an idiot. Chances are, I know this town better than you do and if I’m not familiar with your neighborhood, believe me I’ll ask. Besides, I’m quite often the only sober one in the vehicle. So trust me, would ya?

When you hire a cab, you are hiring the driver. I perform a service, you see. That service is to get you from Point A to Point B, not to put up with your shit. Just because you’ve jumped into my cab does not mean that you own the vehicle. You may not do as you please! I might let you listen to your silly Top 40 radio station, I might not. Either way, the choice is mine. Get over it! My car is my office. It’s my work environment and I spend upwards of 12 hours a day in it. So if I say “No smoking,” that means NO SMOKING! If you cut a nasty fart, you may find yourself walking the rest of the way in the rain! Please, be respectful! Assholes are a dime a dozen and your rude, crude behavior will not be tolerated! If I happen to be a female driver, don’t think you have the right to be disgusting. It takes a special breed of woman to drive a cab and most of the female drivers in this town can, and will, kick your ass if you step out of line!

Once you’ve reached your destination, it’s time to pay your driver. Now is not the time to tell me that all you have is a $100 bill. Believe me, I will keep the meter running while we go find a place to break it! Some cabs take credit cards, some don’t. It’s best to ask this information before you leave, not after you arrive. Should you “suddenly realize” that you don’t have enough cash on you and you need to run in the house to get some, be prepared to leave something of value with me until you get back. Don’t flip me any crap about it either. I know you’re probably a nice person who would never rip anyone off, but so were all the other people who have ripped me off over the years! This is how the game works, just play along! Leave me with your backpack, your cell phone, your jacket, something of value so I don’t think you’re trying to run on me. Trust me, you don’t want me to think you’re running on me! Most cabbies carry some sort of weapon and we HATE being ripped off! Don’t worry, I’m not going to drive off with your “Hello Kitty” backpack. Honestly, I’d really rather have the cash.

This leads us to the topic of tipping (not, as they say, a city in China). YES, it is appropriate to tip your driver! How much? Well, that’s really up to you. The rule of thumb is to tip your cabbie the same as you would tip your bartender (you are tipping your bartender, aren’t you??). For example, let’s say your fare is $15. A tip of $2-4 is adequate. Anything less and you are a cheap bastard. More than that and you’re a Prince among men and/or a Queen among women (or a Queen among men, if you happen to swing that way!). A word of advice, though. Never, EVER say “I’m going to tip you out huge” or some other such nonsense. It’s a statistical fact that 96.3% of people who say this fall into the category of “cheap bastard.” If I think you’re a cheap bastard, I may use one of the above-mentioned tactics to run up your fare. Don’t threaten to tip me, just do it! That goes for your bartender, your tattooist, and your favorite nude dancer as well!

Now a quick word to those who never take cabs, who drive their cars instead, especially in the downtown area. Look folks, it’s simple. When you’re behind a taxicab, it’s like being behind a bus. Expect the vehicle to stop at some point. Do not ride my ass and then, when I stop to pick up a fare, start blaring your horn and flipping me off. You’re only making yourself look like an idiot. Do you do the same thing to busses? Do you tailgate TriMet drivers and scream obscenities at them at every bus stop? No. Then why do it to us? I’m just trying to do my job and sometimes, especially downtown, that job necessitates double parking for a very brief period of time. Sorry if I ruined your whole day.

Taking a cab can actually be a very enjoyable experience, once you understand how the whole process works. If you’re going out for a night on the town, don’t drive – call us! Think of us as a DUI insurance policy. Paying a cabbie $15-20 to get you home is far better than paying the State of Oregon $5000 plus, in addition to losing your license, having your insurance go way up, etc. Not to mention the fact that you may kill or maim yourself or someone else while driving drunk. Not worth it! Park your car and hop in. That’s what we’re here for!

You can save yourself a little bit of money by taking a few friends with you. Sure, it’s a buck extra for each additional passenger (yes, we charge for extra passengers – please don’t act surprised and give me grief about it when we reach your destination!). In the long run, splitting a $20 fare between 4 people makes taking a cab about as cheap as buying that cute blonde at the end of the bar a drink, and if you’re nice I may even give you my phone number, unlike the blonde! You see, many cabbies carry cell phones so our preferred customers can call us directly, without having to call dispatch. Not all cabbies do this but many do. If you like your driver, ask for a card. This is the best way to get a cab, by the way. Get your own personal driver! Keep in mind that I give priority to my “personals,” especially the ones that tip well.

Amy Winehouse argues with a taxi driver

Dropping Off Kids At School.....

You would think most of what I have to say would be self-evident behavior for the drop off line at school, but sadly, it seems not. What the hell are you people thinking?

First, of course,...people, get off your fucking cell phones! How many times do people have to be told this? You’re in line for 2 minutes (unless there is another inconsiderate fuck like you in the line), don’t you think the high profile world issues you face on a daily basis could wait until you drive off? Pull forward dummy!

Second, coffee...you prepping your $6.50 cup cream-mocha-latté-whateverthefuckitis is not an acceptable reason for holding the rest of us up. If you just have to mix your lead filled package of Chinese slave labor flavoring before heading off to your stressful day, could you drop your child off, pull to the side, and do it out of the flow of traffic? Pull forward dummy!

Third, whatever the hell it is you are digging for in your console. Why do you stare at the line, eyes fixed forward, waiting...waiting...waiting...and then just seconds before it’s time to pull forward, you pull your hands away from the wheel, flip open your console, and start digging for...?...what? What the hell are you digging for? You never find it! The statistical odds of finding anything in your console, while waiting in line to drop off you child, is nill. You have proven time and time again. It’s not there. It’s never there. Pull forward dummy!

Next, dressing your kid in the car. If you don’t have your child dressed by the time you arrive at the drop off line, then you are not ready to get in the drop off line. Most of us dress our kids at home…I know, weird concept! If your kid is late, your kid is late...and dressing him or her in front of the school, in line, holding the rest of us up, does not somehow magically stop the clock and make it all OK. I know, I know, “It takes a village,” but the village is stacking up behind you, and we really wish you would pull forward dummy!

OK, “Snoop-Dog”...yes, you driving the 1987 Corolla with the snap-on hubcap spinners and the bumper sticker that says “My other car is Tupac”, stop getting out of your car each day, defiantly starring at the line waiting behind you, and doing that fucking swagger where you hold your balls with one hand and walk as s-l-o-w-a-s-f-u-c-k-i-n-g-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e around to the other side of your car to let your kid out. There are two teachers and ten monitors there to make sure you kid gets out safely. If you just have to do this routine everyday, then move to the side, otherwise...pull forward dummy!

Slack-jawed people...I am pretty sure you can’t read this, but hopefully a nose breather has seen it and passed it on to you...that big empty space in front of you...the big 5 car space between you and the lady up there on her cell phone...that is a space which your car and the 4 people behind you should be filling in. Those people up there with the safety vests, waving their arms, looking at you like you should close your mouth and step on the accelerator are giving you the universal signal to...pull forward dummy!

Last, the stay at home moms...do you have to talk to every other stay at home mother that you happen to see on school grounds? What the hell do you have to talk about each and every day? You just talked to her yesterday when you held us all up, what could possibly transpired in the last 24 hours that would require you to once again pull forward 5 feet, step on the brake, try to roll the window down, hit the locks, lock again, roll down the window, talk for-fucking-ever, and then roll your window up, pull forward another 5 feet, and repeat the whole process again? Maybe you could start a coffee clutch, a “La Madelin’s For Moms,” or some other type of morning meeting that would satisfy your craving for endless conversation, but somewhere other than in front of the other 20 cars trying to drop their kids off. Until you come up with a plan, could you please pull ALL the way forward dummy!

Relationships are hard

So I pick this couple up at 29th and Craycroft. And they are going to a friends birthday party all the way at Valencia and 12th Ave. I pick up some tension, but pay it no mind. About half way there the girl starts trying to get the guy to open up. (Hint for the girls - this is a bad idea. Let us sulk for awhile and things will be ok) So about the time we get to Midvale park, the girl gives the bad choice...
"Are we going to still go or turn around and go back home!"
And you know what the guy said. So we turn around and go all the way back to where they started. Funny.

Taxi cab confessions

My roommate in NYC once got in an argument with a cabbie over the fare. Sitting there listening was um, awkward.

Not long after 9/11, a friend from school and I took a cab in NYC. The friend was acting weird and said, in a loud voice, that he'd recently done some blow. He then asked the cabbie what type of sex acts he was into. Again, a pretty awkward situation for yours truly.

In Athens, the cabbies (or at least the ones I've had) always try to rip off tourists. Tip: They'll sometimes back down if you know a bit of Greek. Also, try to find out from a native what a typical fare is for your trip, just so you have a point of reference. Some of those guys quoted a fare that was about 50 times what it should have been!

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Taxi Cab Joke

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

People from India don't tip

Just a heads up to all service people out there. I try not to generalize, but this one has been tested over and over. There are alot of students from the U of A that come from India, so I do get my share. So just a friendly FYI, don't take it personal. Its just a lacking in education...

taxicab confessions greek girls from astoria

taxicab confessions

Taxi cab night shift

It has been a year since I drove a cab, but the old garage still looks the same. The generator is still clanging in the corner. The crashed cars are still in the shop. The weirdos are still sweeping the cigarette butts of the cement floor. The friendly old “YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for all front-end accidents” is as comforting as ever. Danny the dispatcher still hasn’t lost any weight. And all the working stiffs are still standing around, grimy and gummy, sweating and regretting, waiting for a cab at shape-up.

Shape-up time at Dover Taxi Garage #2 still happens every afternoon, rain or shine, winter or summer, from two to six. That’s when the night-line drivers stumble into the red-brick garage on Hudson Street in Greenwich Village and wait for the day liners, old-timers with backsides contoured to the crease in the seat of a Checker cab, to bring in the taxis. The day guys are supposed to have the cabs in by four, but if the streets are hopping they cheat a little bit, maybe by two hours. That gives the night liners plenty of time to stand around in the puddles on the floor, inhale the carbon monoxide, and listen to the cab stories.

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Taxi cab stories

Sue from New York writes:
NYC Cabbies are the BEST! They care, believe it or not. Only last week was a cabbie commended for returning a bag to a wedding reception, saving the day. The last cabbie I rode with was just as nice in a different context. I was smashed! The (guy from Kentucky, can you believe it?) cabbie got out of the cab, walked me to the door, helped me with my keys so I could get in, pushed the button on the elevator, waited until the doors closed and I guess left. God Bless Him!
Thanks to you dear cabbie whoever you are.

Rest of the stories

Freaky Taxi Cab Stories

Taxi Cab Stories

Taxi joke

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok", and off they went.

Tucson Racing

Driving in Tucson

Insider tips on Driving in Tucson in Tucson, AZ. Real transportation advice from real travelers and Tucson locals makes getting around Tucson easy.

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Kid fails driving test 5 times in a day

7 biggest driving mistakes moms make

The distractions moms face while on the road can lead to accidents

Chatting on your cell phone
Feeling overconfident
Driving while drowsy
Speeding
Snacking while steering
Attending to your kids
Slacking on car maintenance

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In N Out Tucson