Insane parking skills

Best of youtube parking skills.

Confession of a driving "incident". god save my soul.

Two months ago, in the rain, I …. Oh god I can’t even say it.

Shoot. (calm down, just get down on screen and you’ll feel better. There-there, pat-pat, there-there, pat-pat)

Okay, I ran over and killed…….

DAMN IT. CONFESS CONFESS

I KILLED

A turtle. A freaking turtle. It crawled out of some woods near the Pantano wash. It was POURING rain, sideways. I was going 35-mph in a forty-five. I was alert. I saw it RUNNING right into my line of tire. If it had only stayed still, he would still be alive today!

The damn thing actually LOOKED UP at me. He was big. About the size of two and a half big-macs. I swear to god he looked like he was screaming. I couldn’t see his eyes but his mouth was wide open. He knew he was toast. His head and neck ROSE so high, six maybe seven inches stretching upwards from his shell. He was roaring. AHHHHHHH. Then he shook his head and ROARED again. AHHHHHHH (I could not hear his voice but the expression on his face was one of absolute terror and anger; I’m certain he was screaming.)

There was no place to veer! Even if the road had been dry and lighted, I would still have had to smear him. I had no choice. The shoulder was one huge slick of mud and rocks, I could barely tell where it started and my lane ended. There was a stream of on-coming traffic; their headlights were making downpour seem worse.

I must admit, I never considered causing a head-on collision to avoid the turtle. I had five, maybe six seconds of white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel before the, oh man, impact. It was horrible. Horrible. He was running as fast as he could but each step took him closer to death.

The sound it made will haunt me forever. It was a crunch-CRUNCH. Both front and back left tires creamed him. The second (rear-tire) noise was louder than the front-tire crunch. WHY??? I’m thinking now that the first crunch PUSHED his huge shell on top of his soft body and immediately severed all four limbs and his head. The second CRUNCH was the shell shattering. Who knows. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. I’ll never eat grape nuts again.

Man, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for him. And for me too I guess. If it had been a human, I would have had time to slam into the shoulder/ditch, maybe a cactus or two. But I couldn’t make myself do that for an animal. Even a turtle.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I checked my tires but there was no apparent evidence. The rain washed away whatever that poor thing might have left in my treads. Poe nailed it …. That NOISE will be the end of me.

Getting out of a tough parking spot

Managed to get out of the tightest parking space!!

Happy Thanksgiving

HENCHMEN NEEDED

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)
-unwavering loyalty
-being a corruptible government official
-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)
-grudge against any well-known vigilante
-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

Angry Raymond on Calle La Paz

I get a call for that new apartment complex just south of Tanque Verde, off of Kolb. After keeping me waiting for 5 minutes as I was just about to take off, out stumble 3 (black, only in the interest of being descriptive) guys. After the piling in they immediately start trouble. All the same lame comments taxi drivers hear over and over again. And I recognize one of them as someone I had trouble with before from the Cactus Moon. So I confront him about it and asked if he remembered that I said I wasn't going to take him again. And he says, "Oh yeah. You're that guy." So I swing back around and tell them to get out. One of the other guys is in disbelief and asking the first guy, "What did you do?" The first guy is trying to play it cool and just tells his buddies to get out. The third guy starts swearing at me. But all I do is say "Sorry" and pull away. The lesson, don't piss off the cab driver. You never know when you might need him again, or what you might leave in the cab that you will never get back - hehehe.

Mad Driving Skills

Wild professional driving display.

We have a puker!

So, I pick up this couple from DV8 - college kids. And the girl is pissed! Evidently the guy had been 86ed from the place before 9pm. She is yelling at the guy about how she is sooooo upset and embarrassed. He can only moan "I'm sorry" over and over. After venting at the guy a silence falls, until, wait for it. She starts to cry. A gentle sobbing that tests my ability not to laugh.
So we finally get to where they are going and the girl starts yelling at the guy to get out. As soon as he moves its all over. RAAAALLLLFF! Yuck!
The yelling and crying starts up again in earnest. She pushes the guy out in his own vomit and starts apologizing to me and offering to clean it up. She runs inside and comes back with some napkins (from chipolte) and a cleaner. After watching her bending over, shaking, and crying in her little cocktail dress for a couple of minutes I let her off the hook. It wasn't so bad. But please, young people - LEARN HOW TO DRINK!

Attention Tucson cab takers!

You do not live in New York!

It really bugs me when I pick up someone and ask where they are going, and they give me something like
"Speedway and Craycroft".
They really don't want me to drop them off in the intersection, or even at the corner. They are really going to 5300 east Fairmont, or something. But they have been trained by watching movies of people in NY.
*HINT*
The streets/blocks in Tucson do not work the same way, and also it is movie speak! Like when someone gives a phone number starting with 555.
Get a clue!