Taxi Mark's Life on the Road

Stripper Night

2009-01-05T07:52:00.002-07:00

They are always the funniest.

One who got thrown out of the club and had to pull over to throw up.
One who was out on the town with her Mom.
One who was in the middle of Baby Daddy drama on the phone.
And two girls at one time from Tens. Who were slightly drunk and confused about the percentage of their house fees. Who had me take them to McD's around 2:30 and gave the poor guy a hard time about not being able to get breakfast. Them asked me if I wanted to see their "gIna's" and got all pissed off when I said "No".

Good Times.

FOUND - Briefcase w/ Odd Items

2008-12-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

Large silver briefcase (metal). No locks. Odd items inside include a 14 inch length of plastic tube about one and a half inches in diameter, a solid rod of plastic about 20 inches long and a little under one and a half inches in diameter. Several tubes of KY jelly (don't ask me, I just found it). Here's the really odd thing: there were five Gerbils in a plastic container with breather holes in it. I put them in a mouse cage with some shredded wood chips, water, and food. Respond - so I can return your stuff. If no respone in a week, I'll give the Gerbils to the animal shelter and turn the rest of the stuff over to TPD. Thanks.

Santa Claus - The Movie

2008-12-25T00:07:00.001-07:00

Sheena Easton - It's Christmas All OverThe World

2008-12-24T00:14:00.000-07:00

2 Girls on Bus

2008-12-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

When you got on the bus talking excessively loud I gave you the benefit of the doubt... I noticed you (the one with platinum blonde hair) had some anime keychains and laminated drawings on your backpack (I don't quite care for Deidara [from Naruto] but I did not mind the Light and L and Riuk [DeathNote]).

When I actually started listening to what you and your friend was talking about I was aghast and apalled! How could someone in their right mind, in this day and age, use the word "like" more than 150 times from Westboro to Bayview (I started counting)... I was sickened.

And when the girl, who got on at Tunnys Pasture, came on and proceeded to sit in the seat you weren't going to sit in and had to move your backpack out of the way to get to the seat, I thought that you and your friend did not need to stop your horrifying conversation and glare her.

And to make matters even more unbearable the topic of your conversation was religion! I believe the term you didn't know was Agnostic, even though you just tell people you're Atheist. And no English is not the most spoken language in the world... Your friend, in some stroke of non-retarded genius, was right about there being more people speaking Mandarin/Cantonese. To which you replied, "Well, like, that's like, because all those like, people, like started learning Mandarin, like, like a couple like, years ago." (Give or take several "likes")

I, dumbfounded, could only shake my head and shudder... and leave the bus very quickly, which the girl you glared at did also.

So, like, when you, like get on, like, a bus and like, your like, having a conversation like that, like with your, like friend. Please consider, like everyone else who, like, have to like, put up with your like, incessant chatter.Like like, you like kinda sound like slightly like brain damaged!

Lose weight

2008-12-19T06:28:00.000-07:00

Ghostbusters (1984) "Cats and Dogs" speech in Mayors Office

2008-12-18T19:13:00.001-07:00

The girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot

2008-12-18T18:05:00.001-07:00

I mean, come on!

It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom!

I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to - you spent at least 2 minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to, like, break into someone else's car or something. Then I guessed you thought you were "safe" and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT!

For Christ's sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM!

Sheesh!

Anyway - if you're free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.

Don't park at Italia

2008-12-15T20:42:00.002-07:00

Got a call over the weekend for the Italia restaurant around 2pm. Now I was thinking, "no way it is still open." But I cruise over there, and sure enough there are 6 people waiting. They load up, two girls in front, one squeezed up against me nicely. Seems they had gone to the Cowpony, and had parked next door at the restaurant. And when they walked back over at the end of the night, their car was gone. They finally realised and found the sign and called the number. OOOOPS. They were pissed!

Jaime the 22 year old

2008-12-06T03:14:00.002-07:00

Picked her up from a house on the south east side of town. She was carrying a beer and asked to sit up front, so I knew I was in trouble. And after she insisted on holding my hand in her lap, I was wondering just how far this would go. She was wearing a black dress that was really an oversized shirt. And with our hands in her lap pushing the dress up I could see that she wisely decided to wear matching underwear. I was considering trying to convince her I was gay, but after she threw out "I think you are intimidated by me!" I just couldn't let that go. But its ok, she used to date a 42 year old...

Hell on wheels: The world's worst taxi rides

2008-12-05T02:08:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a taxi horror story to share, a tale of woe that may involve scamming, intimidation, extortion, physical threats, drunken driving, faulty shock absorbers, unending traffic jams, malfunctioning meters—or simply hellacious body odor. Add infrequent but terrifying armed robberies and kidnappings, and simply sticking out your arm on the sidewalk can seem like a dangerous roll of the dice.

Full Article

Stripper is a Cowboy fan?

2008-12-04T01:10:00.002-07:00

Picked up this girl from the Candy Store who tells me this story. She asks me if I know football. And I tell her, yeah, alittle bit. (HAHA)
So she tells me about "Terrell Hardy, number 94 for the Dallas Cowboys"
(totally false, no hardy, #94 is Ware)
And how she hooked up with him and ended up stealing her cell phone.
I didn't have the heart to set her straight....

Rush Hour Traffic - definitions and how to for beginners

2008-12-03T02:35:00.005-07:00

For those people who are lucky enough to avoid wasting their life in the useless, enraging, and mind-numbing thing known as traffic, I have arranged this little list to help them recognize those drivers we see in traffic everyday.

1. The LANE-SWAPPER. (AKA The SPEED-DEMON) Probably the most common driver out there in rush hour traffic. This breed will do anything to go the fastest and be closest to the light at the next intersection, regardless of their safety or others. Typically when they pass, you call them an asshole.

2. Mr./Ms. UNORGANIZED. This is the guy or girl you see eating, shaving, reading, looking for shit in their car, putting on makeup, swerving, basically doing anything but paying attention to the road. Typically, these are the asswipes that cause you to miss lights or turn arrows.

3. The SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. This driver's name is well deserved. They can be that nice grandmother of your's. They can be that rich, conceited, asshole in front of you in the Mercedes, who doesn't HAVE to be at work at time - usually because they own the business. They can be that uninsured illegal alien, driving the 86' Ford Nova. Basically this driver will sit in the left lane, going 5 under the speed limit.

4. The GAP-KEEPER. This is the driver who maintains 4 car lengths between him and the car in front of him - even at lights. Typically, they are also the ones who brake when they see a police cruiser with someone pulled over on the side. Come on people. Do you think the cop is going to say, "Holy Shit! You're going even faster than this guy! I better pull out and pull you over and just leave this guy here..."

5. The STANDARD. During rush hour, these are the nuts and bolts of traffic. These drivers do what they're supposed to, and don't mess around. They flow with the traffic and drive normal. They are most often considered good drivers in regular driving. However, during rush hour, they are poor.

To be a good rush-hour driver takes a little bit of all the types I have listed above. Let me demonstrate. For the following example, I will use the name of the driver, and you should drive like them at that appropriate time. You can use this on the way home tonight! As you leave work, you encounter a SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. What to do? Pull a LANE-SWAPPER. As you pass them, flick them off. Then, throw that banana peel from breakfast on their windsheild, as you cut them off. Good, right? You continue driving. Suddenly you encounter a GAP-KEEPER. Don't worry. You just wait til you get to that next light, then move into that gap they were so worried about keeping. Roll down your window and yell, "You want a gap? Better put it in reverse, Fucker!" Well done. You are almost home. You move along with plenty of STANDARD drivers, and for the time being, you are one yourself. Then you spot the LANE-SWAPPER you see everyday. The one you know is not running late. The one who is not going anywhere, except to his mansion. That's when you pull a LANE-SWAPPER yourself. Cut him off just like he did to you this morning. THEN, pull a SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER - right next to a big truck. He's not going anywhere! Ahhhhhh, the simple pleasures in life. Cruise the rest of the way home as a STANDARD. Get home, take blood pressure medication. Amen.

Taxi crash remix

2008-12-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

Taxi cab almost hits man in accident.

Gymboree holiday shopping for girls clothes

2008-12-01T20:14:00.002-07:00

HOME HOLIDAYS Gymboree NWT Snowman Pajamas Gymmies

NEW Snowman Two-Piece Gymmies from Gymboree's 2008 "Home for the Holidays Sleepwear" collection

Darling & perfect for the holidays! Great for Christmas morning pictures or for a gift.

As Gymboree describes:

"Count the snowmen, one, two, three! There's plenty of snowy friends on our fun pajamas. Embroidered felt appliqués on top are matched with an allover printed pant for playful holiday style."

Ebay Gymboree store

Gymboree Blog

Dumb, slow, left lane drivers

2008-12-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

To all of you who are driving the speed limit in the left lane...MOVE THE FUCK OVER.

I don't even see you looking in your mirrors. Are you pretending you don't know I'm right the fuck behind you? I hate you. I'm screaming at you and pointing to the right lane but, you don't care. You own this highway and no one, and I mean no one, will tell you where to drive. There is no one even in the right lane....for miles. You still refuse. I could go on the right and pass you, this is true but, I feel a moral obligation for the next driver coming up behind me to enforce the 'left lane code'. I wait on you. Give you some space...two car lengths, three, four. MOVE OVER! You still don't budge. I see the driver behind me coming up fast. He has no patience for you. He veers into the right lane and soars by your red 1982 Horizon. I think to myself...you're definitely going to move over now. I mean, a guy just flew by you like you were standing still. I edge up a bit...nothing. You won't be deterred. I decide you need a little nudge. I flash my brights...very quick. On...off. That's it.

And that was IT for you. You fucking asshole. You slam on your brakes....IN THE LEFT LANE and I veer over to thr right. Now amazingly, you happened to find the gas pedal and proceed to race along side of me, swerving back and forth trying to force me into the shoulder. As I'm saying Hail Mary's, I look down and see we are approaching 80mph...(I know what you're thinking, I also didn't know a Horizon could get up to 80). I hang back because I realize now you have a death wish and don't care who comes along.

Just then you swerve in front of me into the right lane and slam on your brakes again...you fucking donkey. I decide if this is the game you want to play, GAME ON. I throw on my brights and we drive. Yeah bitch, we drive. And guess what....I can do this FOREVER. I have no place to be.

And I just have to ask, wouldn't it have been soooo much easier to have just slid over to the right lane from the beginning?

Insane parking skills

2008-11-30T02:06:00.000-07:00

Best of youtube parking skills.

Confession of a driving "incident". god save my soul.

2008-11-29T01:08:00.002-07:00

Two months ago, in the rain, I …. Oh god I can’t even say it.

Shoot. (calm down, just get down on screen and you’ll feel better. There-there, pat-pat, there-there, pat-pat)

Okay, I ran over and killed…….

DAMN IT. CONFESS CONFESS

I KILLED

A turtle. A freaking turtle. It crawled out of some woods near the Pantano wash. It was POURING rain, sideways. I was going 35-mph in a forty-five. I was alert. I saw it RUNNING right into my line of tire. If it had only stayed still, he would still be alive today!

The damn thing actually LOOKED UP at me. He was big. About the size of two and a half big-macs. I swear to god he looked like he was screaming. I couldn’t see his eyes but his mouth was wide open. He knew he was toast. His head and neck ROSE so high, six maybe seven inches stretching upwards from his shell. He was roaring. AHHHHHHH. Then he shook his head and ROARED again. AHHHHHHH (I could not hear his voice but the expression on his face was one of absolute terror and anger; I’m certain he was screaming.)

There was no place to veer! Even if the road had been dry and lighted, I would still have had to smear him. I had no choice. The shoulder was one huge slick of mud and rocks, I could barely tell where it started and my lane ended. There was a stream of on-coming traffic; their headlights were making downpour seem worse.

I must admit, I never considered causing a head-on collision to avoid the turtle. I had five, maybe six seconds of white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel before the, oh man, impact. It was horrible. Horrible. He was running as fast as he could but each step took him closer to death.

The sound it made will haunt me forever. It was a crunch-CRUNCH. Both front and back left tires creamed him. The second (rear-tire) noise was louder than the front-tire crunch. WHY??? I’m thinking now that the first crunch PUSHED his huge shell on top of his soft body and immediately severed all four limbs and his head. The second CRUNCH was the shell shattering. Who knows. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. I’ll never eat grape nuts again.

Man, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for him. And for me too I guess. If it had been a human, I would have had time to slam into the shoulder/ditch, maybe a cactus or two. But I couldn’t make myself do that for an animal. Even a turtle.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I checked my tires but there was no apparent evidence. The rain washed away whatever that poor thing might have left in my treads. Poe nailed it …. That NOISE will be the end of me.

Getting out of a tough parking spot

2008-11-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

Managed to get out of the tightest parking space!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

HENCHMEN NEEDED

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)
-unwavering loyalty
-being a corruptible government official
-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)
-grudge against any well-known vigilante
-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

Angry Raymond on Calle La Paz

2008-11-26T06:53:00.002-07:00

I get a call for that new apartment complex just south of Tanque Verde, off of Kolb. After keeping me waiting for 5 minutes as I was just about to take off, out stumble 3 (black, only in the interest of being descriptive) guys. After the piling in they immediately start trouble. All the same lame comments taxi drivers hear over and over again. And I recognize one of them as someone I had trouble with before from the Cactus Moon. So I confront him about it and asked if he remembered that I said I wasn't going to take him again. And he says, "Oh yeah. You're that guy." So I swing back around and tell them to get out. One of the other guys is in disbelief and asking the first guy, "What did you do?" The first guy is trying to play it cool and just tells his buddies to get out. The third guy starts swearing at me. But all I do is say "Sorry" and pull away. The lesson, don't piss off the cab driver. You never know when you might need him again, or what you might leave in the cab that you will never get back - hehehe.

Mad Driving Skills

2008-11-25T01:45:00.001-07:00

Wild professional driving display.

We have a puker!

2008-11-24T18:34:00.002-07:00

So, I pick up this couple from DV8 - college kids. And the girl is pissed! Evidently the guy had been 86ed from the place before 9pm. She is yelling at the guy about how she is sooooo upset and embarrassed. He can only moan "I'm sorry" over and over. After venting at the guy a silence falls, until, wait for it. She starts to cry. A gentle sobbing that tests my ability not to laugh.
So we finally get to where they are going and the girl starts yelling at the guy to get out. As soon as he moves its all over. RAAAALLLLFF! Yuck!
The yelling and crying starts up again in earnest. She pushes the guy out in his own vomit and starts apologizing to me and offering to clean it up. She runs inside and comes back with some napkins (from chipolte) and a cleaner. After watching her bending over, shaking, and crying in her little cocktail dress for a couple of minutes I let her off the hook. It wasn't so bad. But please, young people - LEARN HOW TO DRINK!

Attention Tucson cab takers!

2008-11-02T15:16:00.003-07:00

You do not live in New York!

It really bugs me when I pick up someone and ask where they are going, and they give me something like
"Speedway and Craycroft".
They really don't want me to drop them off in the intersection, or even at the corner. They are really going to 5300 east Fairmont, or something. But they have been trained by watching movies of people in NY.
*HINT*
The streets/blocks in Tucson do not work the same way, and also it is movie speak! Like when someone gives a phone number starting with 555.
Get a clue!

Tucson bad drivers

2008-10-22T02:54:00.002-07:00

Black Expedition 546 LVT
Swerved into different lane almost causing an accident near oracle/grant.

Grey Altima 403 XCE
Serious road rage at oracle/glenn flipping off and honking at two people.

TPD cruiser 745
No turn signal at prudence/22nd.